NavyWidow

After he left that night, My girlfriend sat outside smoking whil I stayed inside. I cooked a little… or did I order pizza? I don’t know I know there was food involved. We sat together and talked for a while. I was excited, because to tell you the truth I was a horny virgin and here i had this opportunity to be with someone other than myself in that way.

To me, her kisses were explosive… just feeling those soft lips on mine was beautiful. I wanted to get on with it, but I was shy. after a while I whispered. “will you stay with me?”

“I’m here aren’t I?” you know now that I think about it, It would make me a little angry if my husband talked to me like that. But just then I was thinking with my hormones. I leaned forward and claimed her lips. Soon we were making out on the newly built and creaky futon. “wash up,” she said.

“What?”

“I want to taste you.” eep.. I thought and complied with her request. We did that for a while, she ate and I just lay there not knowing what to expect and seriously not feeling anything. so I stopped her after a while thinking she’d had enough. (it should have clued me in that it just wasn’t right for me) “Why did you stop me?”

“I want you up here, I want to kiss you.” I answered and kissed her indignation away.

Then I did my best to emulate what she had done, and the things I’d read, and honestly I sucked because I know she sure as hell didn’t finish and I was to worried about whether she liked whatever she was doing to get anywhere myself it was a complete first time disaster. but she stayed with me that night, and the next night.

Then i realized, she wouldn’t love me. She couldn’t possibly. She was my friend. That was all she wanted to be. I felt as though I was being pitied. I didn’t feel cared for… that is until we went to Mexico one Saturday. When we got home, I got incredibly ill. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance. and as I lay passed out in my hospital bed she found me. She had found me and I loved her more. She took me home and took care of me. I didn’t feel alone, but she loved someone else I knew it. So I pulled away emotionally and yearned for her in private.

One particular Sunday I felt depressed, so I found a church and drove 45 minutes to get there. I had a great time and I came back home and began to wind down when he came to my door.

My neighbor needed my help with his car. So I drove him and he said to repay me he would take me to a movie. By that time I had not talked to my girlfriend in a week. So I said “Why not?”

We watched Romeo Must die. It was pretty benign, but to this day we call that our first date. We just had fun, watched a great movie and talked. “We should hang out more.” I said

“Sure, I’m always home.” He said

I smiled and went towards my apartment. She was sitting by my door smoking. “Hey! How long have you been waiting?” I asked as I turned on my phone She hadn’t called.

“Just got here.”

I opened the door to my apartment. and looking back at it now, whatever it was that she needed to see me about must have gone out of the window, because I started talking about the movie. What her motives had been… who knows… all I knew was that she loved this girl, and this girl was straight and unable to be with her. and here I was willing to give up everything I believed in and completely damning my soul to hell for her and I meant nothing. (I am not saying that you will go to hell if you are gay… it is just what I believed at the time i was really struggling with my emerging sexuality.)

We never had sex again, but that night I had decided not to worry about what God thought. I needed to explore to see where I would go. I’m so glad he decided he was going to hang on to me.

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