NavyWidow

Okay so I know this is about my military life… but I figured if I tell you our story from the begining, then we would understand why we are even a military couple in the first place.

The week after that last sunday, I came home.  My friend was working that night, and I had absolutely nothing to do on that friday night.  as I walked towards my apartment, He came out of the studio. “Hey!” I said

“Sup?”  He asked as he walked my way out towards the pool.

“Nothing much, Just trying to figure out what to do tonight.”

“sup with your girl?”

“She’s working.”  I said turning to my door.

“I got a rack of chicken in the fridge, have you eaten?” He asked turning around

“No,”  I answered dropping my book bag into the apartment and  closing my door again.  I followed him into the studio.  I saw his futon that was exactly like mine and smiled.

‘It was agood deal i had to get it” he said as he handed me the phone book.

We were both new to the city so I looked through for some clubs.  I picked a swingers bar.  I had always wondered about those so I suggested it.  We got lost on the way but we found it after an hour.  we weren’t dressed appropriately so we were sent back home.

that did not deterr us how ever because we only really lived ten minutes away LOL we just went home got dressed and returned to the club. it was interesting to say the least there was porn all over playing.  and a dance floor.  and fuck rooms…  I know I wrote that word but it isn’t like there is a better word for it.

My hormones got the better of me.  and I tried to see if I could get some.  Not that I thought I was hot or anything like that.  I just wanted some and i offered it.  He could either take it or not.  he took it.

At first we started in the car.  I had told him in the club I had never done it.  so when we were in the car and he kissed me It tripped me out because it was so hard.  It was rough.  I was used to the soft lips of my girl and his were not.  They were however more urgent.  I went with it, but I was scared.

Someone knocked on the window of the car, and I thanked god that they did.  I was freaking out and having second thoughts, but I still wanted to experience what it was like to be with someone.

We went to my appartment and he began playing music and I suppose that he had done something in his bathroom because when he came back to me,  he lasted a long time.  so long that I fell asleep. I didn’t make a sound but it went on and on.

To this day i think I have a disorder I have to get myself checked out.  My husband is not a small man.

Any way in the morning when he went to his apartment to shower,  I called my girlfriend. “Hey!”

“what are you doing?”

I stopped for a moment and I wasn’t sure that I should say anything.  but then I thought… she doesn’t care, she wants someone else.  We are not even together. “I just woke up”

“it’s noon.”

“Late night, I lost my boy virginity last night.”  I swear if it wasn’t daylight I would have heard crickets.  The phone went dead on me. “Hello?”

“With who?”

“My neighbor, you remember the one that helped me build my futon?”  Silence

after almost thirty seconds she said, “how was it?”

“How should I know I have never done it before.”  Silence. (do you think I hurt her feelings?)

“Okay…” she sighed then proceded me to invite me to a sports bar later that night.  Did I mention I had become fast friends with the woman whom she had left because of me… yeah… I look back at it and I guess it was mean… Unintentional, but mean.

After he left that night, My girlfriend sat outside smoking whil I stayed inside. I cooked a little… or did I order pizza? I don’t know I know there was food involved. We sat together and talked for a while. I was excited, because to tell you the truth I was a horny virgin and here i had this opportunity to be with someone other than myself in that way.

To me, her kisses were explosive… just feeling those soft lips on mine was beautiful. I wanted to get on with it, but I was shy. after a while I whispered. “will you stay with me?”

“I’m here aren’t I?” you know now that I think about it, It would make me a little angry if my husband talked to me like that. But just then I was thinking with my hormones. I leaned forward and claimed her lips. Soon we were making out on the newly built and creaky futon. “wash up,” she said.

“What?”

“I want to taste you.” eep.. I thought and complied with her request. We did that for a while, she ate and I just lay there not knowing what to expect and seriously not feeling anything. so I stopped her after a while thinking she’d had enough. (it should have clued me in that it just wasn’t right for me) “Why did you stop me?”

“I want you up here, I want to kiss you.” I answered and kissed her indignation away.

Then I did my best to emulate what she had done, and the things I’d read, and honestly I sucked because I know she sure as hell didn’t finish and I was to worried about whether she liked whatever she was doing to get anywhere myself it was a complete first time disaster. but she stayed with me that night, and the next night.

Then i realized, she wouldn’t love me. She couldn’t possibly. She was my friend. That was all she wanted to be. I felt as though I was being pitied. I didn’t feel cared for… that is until we went to Mexico one Saturday. When we got home, I got incredibly ill. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance. and as I lay passed out in my hospital bed she found me. She had found me and I loved her more. She took me home and took care of me. I didn’t feel alone, but she loved someone else I knew it. So I pulled away emotionally and yearned for her in private.

One particular Sunday I felt depressed, so I found a church and drove 45 minutes to get there. I had a great time and I came back home and began to wind down when he came to my door.

My neighbor needed my help with his car. So I drove him and he said to repay me he would take me to a movie. By that time I had not talked to my girlfriend in a week. So I said “Why not?”

We watched Romeo Must die. It was pretty benign, but to this day we call that our first date. We just had fun, watched a great movie and talked. “We should hang out more.” I said

“Sure, I’m always home.” He said

I smiled and went towards my apartment. She was sitting by my door smoking. “Hey! How long have you been waiting?” I asked as I turned on my phone She hadn’t called.

“Just got here.”

I opened the door to my apartment. and looking back at it now, whatever it was that she needed to see me about must have gone out of the window, because I started talking about the movie. What her motives had been… who knows… all I knew was that she loved this girl, and this girl was straight and unable to be with her. and here I was willing to give up everything I believed in and completely damning my soul to hell for her and I meant nothing. (I am not saying that you will go to hell if you are gay… it is just what I believed at the time i was really struggling with my emerging sexuality.)

We never had sex again, but that night I had decided not to worry about what God thought. I needed to explore to see where I would go. I’m so glad he decided he was going to hang on to me.